After seeing this little talk of Eckhart Tolle I have started to think about what the ego means in my life.
Belonging to an industry where the physical image it’s a claim and beauty is the product for sale, egotism should be a subject in which the actresses would have to walk on eggshells.
It’s easy to feel better than others when you get 30 messages a day telling you how beautiful you are, how good you are. How much people enjoy your scenes.
The public will get on a pedestal, and you need to have your principles really clear to go down there.
Because in the best case, the career of a porn actress ends when she has around 35 years. Thereafter you become a MILF, and job calls will decrease until it disappear.
And you will be no longer so beautiful, and you won’t be so good. You will not receive many messages, and the constant attention you’ve had during the last years of your life just disappear.
That if you haven’t have any accident before, that leaves you a visible scar or some sort of branding that makes you out of the stereotypes of conventional beauty. Imagine you have to get a cesarean. Or operate your back. Or you have to put a prosthetic limb. You run out of work just in one second.
And then you feel bad, you have the horrible feeling of emptiness that defines Tolle in his talk as negative self-esteem. Because there are people who are objectively better than you. And you are no longer the most desirable, nor the most famous.
So from the beginning, you have to find satisfaction in what you do for yourself, and not understanding it as a comparative competition. Knowing that it will not last forever, and enjoying every moment.
I’m not the relief of Rebeca Linares. I’m not the Spanish Stoya. I’m Amarna Miller, and I’m good at what I do because I love my job.
And I can have role models and people that I admire. But I’m no better or worse than them, I am myself and my actions and my work speak for themselves.